A continuation of my faith journey with Crohns disease.
At this point in my life, Crohns had almost killed me two times. I was working a low paying job and living with my in-laws. I was on the mend from my surgery and moving up the food chain at work.
During all of this time, I tried to be a good soldier for the Lord. Over those previous few years of my marriage I had to give up my career dreams, my chronic illness had debilitated me, I had to move in with my in-laws and I could no longer provide for my family.
I had had enough.
One late night in February, sitting in my father-in-laws recliner, I had a come to Jesus meeting… literally. God has given us the emotion of anger, so I have never been shy with the Lord when things have displeased me. It takes a lot to get me angry, but when I’m angry, I express it. In my prayer I started yelling at God. “I’ve had it! I can’t do this anymore! How much more do you want from me? You’ve taken almost everything from me! I don’t have my dreams! I don’t have my career! I don’t have my health! I can’t provide for my family! I’m all alone! I’m ashamed to look in my children’s eyes! I’m an embarrassment for my wife! I have nothing! Nothing! And I’m tired of it!” The rant continued for an hour. I then went to bed.
The next morning, I told my wife that I yelled at God for an hour. She didn’t think that was a good idea. I said “I told God that if things weren’t better by the end of next month, we’d have problems.” “What does that mean?” she asked. “I don’t know. I’ve done everything He’s asked me, but I can’t take it anymore. If He loves me, respects me, He’ll answer this prayer. If He doesn’t… then…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. I didn’t want to verbalize what such a denial would mean to my lifelong faith.
Things improved quickly. Within the next few weeks we found a condo that was affordable to rent and, for all intents and purposes, was perfect. As we were signing the lease, I looked down and began to laugh to myself. “What is it?” my wife asked. “God just called me a fool” I replied. Next to my signature was the date… April 1st. April Fools Day. In a very subtle way, God both answered my prayers with a Yes and let me know I was foolish for giving Him an ultimatum.
I would never do it again… well, only one more time.
To be continued…